Confronting Controversy with Grace

Last time we talked about the importance of asking thought-provoking questions; today, let’s take it a step further and venture into the realm of conversations. After all, the two are close companions. Since we already met the quirky Question, let’s make our acquaintance with the (hopefully) calmer Conversation and see what we find. 

controversial conversations

Questions are only the beginning of the journey to truth, and conversations aren’t the end. Thoughtful questions can lead to meaningful conversations, which result in exchanging ideas, mingling perspectives, and sharing stories, all in pursuit of a deeper understanding of truth from both sides. All of this takes time and thought, but it’s necessary if we’re going to gain a better knowledge of others’ perspectives on topics we think differently about.

In this fallen world, controversy will always be present. There have always been certain topics and issues that stir up sparks and send tempers flaring. We don’t have a choice about whether these topics exist. What we can do is decide how we will handle controversial topics—particularly when we are around those we disagree with. 

There are several options. We can ignore these topics as much as possible and pretend they don’t exist. We can become experts in the nuances of our perspective, but never venture to listen to those who think differently. We can talk at those who disagree with us for the sole purpose of winning them over.

Or we can take another route: we can learn the art of gracious conversations. We can choose to listen before we speak, to learn before we teach. We can open our ears before we open our mouths and offer compassion before we offer opinions. And then, once we’ve listened and loved as best as we can, we can share the truth we hold with confidence, knowing that we’ve given no reason for anyone to cast a stain on our reputation. This, I believe, is the path that Christ calls us to take.

But in your hearts revere Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect, keeping a clear conscience, so that those who speak maliciously against your good behavior in Christ may be ashamed of their slander. 

— 1 Peter 3:15-16 (NIV)

Depending on the level of the issue, our emotional attachment to it (and, therefore, our ability to discuss it calmly and rationally) will vary. Paying attention to the level of irritation that a certain topic rouses in us can tell us a lot about how important we think it is, and paying attention to the level of our willingness to defend that topic can show us how deeply we believe it. 

Think about it. The more important something or someone is to you, the more strongly you feel about defending them, and the more frustrated you get when someone disagrees with you on that topic or attacks that person in front of you. If you’re discussing a minor theological disagreement with someone, chances are you’re much less likely to get into a heated argument than you would if you were discussing something more significant such as the existence of God. 

So when you’re discussing something that holds a foremost place in your heart and soul—such as the road to salvation—it’s especially important to keep in mind the Christlike example we are called to follow. We are called to pattern our lives after Jesus’ example, and our conversations are no exception. 

This doesn’t mean that we avoid controversy. Far from it. Jesus showed no fear in tackling some of the controversial topics of His day, such as whether or not to pay taxes to Caesar (Matthew 22:15–22). We don’t need to be afraid either. Approaching a controversial conversation with grace doesn’t mean you have to compromise or apologize for what you believe. You can (and should) hold steadily to your convictions even under fire. You need to be willing to stand for what you believe.

If you’re afraid to have a conversation with someone you disagree with, ask yourself why. Is it because you don’t feel prepared? Or is it because you’re not fully convinced of what you say you believe? Few things will help you figure out what you believe and why you believe it sooner than discussing it with someone who believes differently from you. It will drive you to find solid reasons for holding to what you say is true, because otherwise you’ll find yourself sinking into sand, the foundations washed away.

We don’t have to seek out controversy. Often these topics come to us, and we have only to be prepared to meet them with grace and truth.

the right kind of controversy

Not all controversy is a good thing. The Bible tells us not to waste our time on foolish arguments that won’t lead anywhere. Paul says in 2 Timothy 2:23-25 (ESV),  “Have nothing to do with foolish, ignorant controversies; you know that they breed quarrels. And the Lord’s servant must not be quarrelsome but kind to everyone, able to teach, patiently enduring evil, correcting his opponents with gentleness. God may perhaps grant them repentance leading to a knowledge of the truth…”

Our purpose in discussing these topics isn’t just for fun; it’s so that we can all come closer to the truth. And that’s only possible when we’re guided by God’s grace. 

Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person.

— Colossians 4:6 (ESV)