The musicians stand alongside each other, each drawing music from his or her violin—not in unison, but in harmonious motion. Their movements are not identical, but flow together in melodious symphony, their bows rising and falling, slanting and easing, friction drawing sound from the strings. The players’ fingers quiver, tension bringing beauty. Each one keeps his or her eyes focused on the sheet music before them as their bodies dip and sway in graceful motions that match the music.
This, I believe, is a picture of what our relationships should look like—especially in the church. God intended our relationships to be a portrait of harmony, with each person using their gifts for the good of the community. As Colossians 3:12-14 (ESV) says, “Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.”
But “perfect harmony” is probably not the phrase you would use to describe your relationships. There might be a few harmonious moments here and there, when our feeble strings catch an echo of the greater song, but most of the time our relationships are like an orchestra when it’s tuning up before a concert or playing a piece for the first time. Discordant squeaks, hums, and twangs fill the air as each musician gets his or her instrument in tune. As the group works to fall in harmony, some might forge ahead a few notes while others lag a few notes behind, with others playing wrong notes in places and still others sitting bewildered as they try to find their place in the music. It’s nothing you’d want to listen to for long.
And yet, that’s what is required in order for beautiful music to take shape. It takes a lot of practice and even more patience—with yourself and those around you.
Are we willing to put the same kind of effort into forming meaningful relationships?
Church rubs us up against each other: my annoying self against your annoying self, grating sometimes and velvety smooth other times, so that we can learn to love each other as God loves us. And then we care for the world together. We know and we love—or we try to.
— Karen Stiller
passing through the stages
I think there are three main stages in the process of getting to know people. Stage one is optimism. When you first meet someone, you might like them right away. You don’t see their weaknesses, only their strengths. Even if you don’t like someone right away, initially, when they do something that annoys you, you’re likely to brush it off, explain it away, and not let it bother you much. You think they’re charming for the most part, and nothing they do displeases you greatly, at least not for long. At this stage, friendship is easy and fun. What could possibly go wrong?
The first stage can’t last forever. As you get to know someone better, eventually you enter stage two: criticism. At some point, you must acknowledge that this person is far from perfect; they have flaws, and those flaws bother you. It’s as if a switch has been flipped. Instead of discovering something new to like every time you see them, you find something to dislike every time you see them, and the things you used to like about them you now see in a different light. You may feel naïve for liking them in the first place. How could you have been so blind as to miss all their glaring weaknesses? Whatever made you think you liked them?
Once you get to this point, you’ve reached the third stage: decision. This stage is critical, because what you do at this point determines where the relationship will go from here. There’s no turning back now. You must choose one of two options going forward. You can either continue on the road of criticism and harden into cynicism, where it’s hard for you to notice anything positive about the other person anymore, or you can choose the higher road and see through eyes of grace, embracing both the good and bad and choosing to love them anyway. This isn’t easy by any means—it’s only possible when we’re empowered by God’s strength. But it’s what we must do if we hope to achieve harmony.
Love, community, and growth of character are often—though not always—at odds with efficiency. This is something God has always known and been comfortable with. One of the most inefficient things you can ever do is love another person. Or even a puppy. Loving another creature requires engagement, response, and patience. Loads of patience. Similarly, the artist or author knows all too well that efficiency is often the enemy rather than the friend of creativity and progress. The almighty Creator, however, has always been comfortable prioritizing love and growth over efficiency and checkmarks.
— Kelly Kapic
two kinds of love
In the first stage, harmony is nearly effortless. It’s easy to get along with someone when you like them and can’t see much wrong with them. This is when you can get by with the first kind of love, which I call soft love. Soft love is basically infatuation, except it applies to more than romantic relationships. It focuses entirely on someone’s good points while pretending they don’t have bad ones.
Soft love isn’t strong enough to carry a relationship far. You’re going to need a different kind of love if you want the relationship to go deeper. You’ll need a hard love—a love that’s determined to hold on no matter what and willing to put in the work required to have a harmonious relationship. This kind of love is patient and willing to see the relationship through, whatever it takes (1 Corinthians 13:4–7).
Love me the mixed-up creature that you see;
Love not the man you dream of but the real.
And yet they err who say that love is blind.
Beneath my earthy, sordid self your love
Discerns capacities which rise above
The futile passions of my carnal mind.
Love is creative. Your love brings to birth
God’s image in the earthiest of earth.
— Robert Winnett, “Love’s Insight”
heavenly harmony
When you’re in the middle of a clunky-sounding practice session, it can be easy to forget the harmonious result you’re working toward. The same is true of our relationships. While they may not sing in perfect harmony yet, one day they will. And that’s what we are working toward with all the might and mercy God gives us. He is the conductor guiding us toward harmony. Look to Him to lead you, and always remember the heavenly song.
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